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The following will be comments on the article,
Common Everyday Sociopaths.
We now have a comments page dedicated to comments on the article.
To leave a comment, go to Comments on Sociopath Article.
Adam Khan (author of the article) wrote: I received two emails in a row about the fact
that throughout the article, I speak as if only men can
be sociopaths. The two people who wrote to me said they had personal
experience dealing with women sociopaths. That's what made me
decide to start this comment page.
A woman wrote this:
I just wanted to say that your article
may have saved my life. The particular person I am involved with
a man and his is a classic socialpath. In fact, I believe is
a Master of his Character as he even has his counselor fooled.
Or perhaps the counselor just is not very good at his skill...........At
any rate I am a woman and I am trying to effectively distance
myself from this particular individual. This article provided
the validation, encouragement and some suggestions I would not
have thought about that may help me through this unfortunate
situation. Thank you for taking the time to try to educate people
about the seriousness of this infliction.
A woman wrote this:
Your website is fascinating and helpful.
I have been the victim of a sociopath who is married to my nephew.
I got her out of my life, but she is affecting the rest of the
family, which affects me.
M met my nephew R when he was happily married and had a beautiful
little boy age 3. She got him to subscribe to her illness which
didn't exist. She told him she only had a few years left, and
that she was dying of cancer. He left his wife, and his son.
That was 16 years ago. She never really left her husband who
did divorce her, but she kept him in the background and was caught
giving him money that R gave to her.
R worked for my insurance brokerage firm and did well making
six figures per year. He convinced us to hire M. We did. She
managed to force R out of the business with her lies. Everything
anyone said to her about anything, grew arms and legs. She informed
my sister , R's mother, that we were treating R badly and that
we fired him, hated him and set him up. We adored R, he lived
with us at one point when he left his wife, and we treated him
like our own son. We financed his financial recovery, even bought
him a car. We trained him in the insurance business and he had
a great future. After he quit his job, he bought into her deception
and he opted for a job in NC. She demanded us to believe that
she was not joining him there, until we got a call from him and
he told us her ticket was already purchased and she would be
leaving in two days. When I approached her, she claimed he was
lying and that she would NEVER go there. The following day she
brought her ex husband to the office and told us he would be
replacing her, as she "didn't want to leave us hanging.
And that R was forcing her to go to NC and that she was afraid
of him because he abused her."
I come from a very close family. We adore each other, including
R, which seemed to upset her greatly. When she observed any display
of affection toward R, it was as if we were holding a crucifix
up to Dracula.. she has always reacted with extreme hysteria
shortly after the gathering, or any celebrations, including holidays.
When she was done with the destruction of my family's trust in
me, she began to work on my sister. My sister came back to me
and told me what she had said about us, and why she hadn't spoken
to me in two years. I was floored! I was angry at my sister for
not rising above that, and for forgetting who I am and my history
with her through out my life. I asked her why she didn't rise
above that. Her answer, "She had me totally convinced!"
During those two years my sister financed several of M and R's
moves and almost deleted her resources. She used her house as
an ATM machine, as R has not worked for more than 2 months during
the past 16 years. We all wondered why R has not been able to
get M out of his life. The answer? She has him totally convinced
that he is useless, stupid and owes her a living, which my sister
finances.
She convinced my sister to let them move into her house. My sister
has been taking care of my paraplegic brother for over 20 years.
They have a beautiful home with handicap facilities and on one
half of the house there is a specially designed living quarters
for my sister. She promised that she would pay half the mortgage
and R and M would take care of my brother's needs. She was so
convincing that my sister did it and ended up renting a cottage
nearby because the sociopath was horrid to live with. She has
to go to tend to my brothers morning care every day because M
does not. Everything my sister signed up for, never happened.
M even convinced my sister to sign for a loan for her son to
buy a car and also got her to register.. she's gooooooood!!!!
R now blames my sister/his mother for all of the problems in
the family. R and M haven't paid rent in a few months. My sister
is losing her mind and my brother is close to losing the only
home he's ever known. R and M are unemployed at this time. My
sister feels she cannot evict them. Yesterday she went to her
home to tell them to leave and M said, "This is not your
house, it is my house, so leave us alone and get out of here.
I'm tired of your controlling bitching ways and you cause more
problems than your worth. Now give me a hug because I need a
hug." Her fit was basically due to the fact that R's brother's
wife just gave birth to a baby with physical defects and my sister
is focusing on that sorrow right now. M hates when the lights
are off her and on anyone else.
My sister fell apart, called me in tears and asked me what to
do. I told her to go back to the house and ask M and R how fast
they can pack. What ever they respond is not negotiable. I have
no problem with M because nothing she says to me is negotiable
and she hasn't affected my life in many years. If my sister cannot
get rid of M, I will not be able to help her because it will
infect my life. M is a monster and quite insane as far as I'm
concerned. I expect M to leave and return to her home state when
my sister is dead from a heart attack or stroke because that's
what she wants. She wants to win. My sister loves her son too
much, and therein lay the problem.
Thanks for letting me vent.. it was very cathartic.. and it was
the tip of the iceberg of my lessons with M.
A woman wrote this:
www.saferelationships.com
We run a treatment program for survivors. Am author of How to
spot a dangerous man and Women Who Love Psychopaths.
Sandra L. Brown, M.A.,
The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction &
Public Psychopathy Education,
A Collaborative Effort To Change How Psychopathy
is Viewed
A woman wrote this:
I knew that a coworker had mental disorders,
but now I know one of them is sociopathic behavior. I ended
up quitting a great paying job over this woman. Her lies to
the boss (who I have concluded is also a sociopath) accusing
me of everything that she was guilty of resulted in no comment
or discussion from the boss. I just walked in to work one day
and was told by the boss to train this woman to do my job. I
refused and told the boss I did not feel that I cared to train
my replacement, and resigned on the spot. That was the wisest
decision I made after suffering her hostility and lies for over
5 months since she started work there. And I was accused of
creating a hostile work environment!
A woman wrote this:
Your article was very important and explanatory
to me. I have looked and read some stuff on other web sights,
an intend to do more research into this. I believe my boyfriend
is a sociopath. I have been seeing him for a year and have become
increasingly anxiouse about some things that have happened lately
and his reactions to them.
This is not all but a short overview:
1). He lost his job and did nothing to
get another one, he is now working where his mom works at min.
wage
2). He was using my car (to keep the miles off his & I had
gas in mine) and his got reposessed at my house while I was here!
He did not warn me and in fact yelled at me "How was he
to know that was going to happen"?
3). A neighbor got stuck in my steep driveway and he wouldn't
go out to help - he said that was their problem. I have always
gone out and tried see what I could do, it happens alot.
4). He explodes alot, but is quite
5). His contributions to food at my house is the frozen food
of his parents where he lives at 41, that he has stole or at
least helped himself to
6). He told me that he once found a wallet and kept all the money
and the person had their password in it he cleaned them out with
their debt card. This is after earlier that day I expressed how
low I thought that would be to do. He said it kindof emotionlessles
with a hint of pride.
7}. He is quite charming to strangers as he was to me at first.
8). He has one friend that he speaks of from childhood.
9). We have never spent money on anything except for stuff concerning
his daughter, he gave me an earing for my birthday but it was
his daughters.
10}.I got his mother a plant for mothers day and he gave it to
her acting like it was from him. I couldn't then say anything
to her that it was from me!
11.) He spends money he doesn't have and is an impulsive buyer.
12). Doesnt seem to care a bit about my tight budget
13). Has done illegal things
14). His parents put him in an rebah place when he was a teenager
- don't know much about it but he indicated that it was someone's
fault, principal or a friend? Can't remember.
15). Has allowed me to buy him stuff, but never has done the
same for me.
16). Just last night his ex called 3 times before he picked
up at my urging as his daughter was with her.
In fact his ex thought daughter was having an appendix attack
and was takinig her to the hospital. He just said call me if
it is anything. And rolled over and went to sleep!
After writing this stuff out even if he is not a sociopath, he
is not someone that is good for me.
I have doubted my feeling because I myself suffer from panic
disorder; but is just a plain fact that I have been increasingly
reliant on my anxiety meds over the past few months. My bestfriend's
son's father and possibly her son are sociopaths and some of
the things I have been telling her reminded her of the guy she
was involved with so yesterday I googled the word and then talked
with her about it. I am worried about how to get out. He has
not even met my family but has firmly installed me in his familly
and his 6 year old daughter's life. I took this to be a compliment,
but in fact it may be a way of controlling and sucking me into
his domain. He exhibits most of the signs listed to a pretty
solid degree of that personality. To complicate matters even
more, he is the first person I have dated since my recent divorce
to my exhusband whom abused me bad; my ex would fit into the
"Malignant Person" I read somewhere else. I had a few
restraining orders on him then attended for about 2 years a local
chapter of Women of Worth. After 2 years then I started dating
this guy! I do understand that they are hard to detect and I
didn't even come to realize this until yesterday. Imagine my
shock after all the information and reinforcement I gained for
WOW to discover that he may suffer from this personality disorder
which from all the information I am gathering, it seems I need
to figure out a way to get out, final. Shut the door. I do not
believe him to be dangerouse but I am not in a good place emotionally.
I have a phsyciatrist who manages my disorder and will speak
to him and my next appointment with him. I have tried to get
my boyfriend to go to a phsyciatrist in the past, not knowing
why, just a vague feeling that he needed help. That went knowwhere
of course. And all info. is saying there is no cure for this
type of person. I just needed to jot this down to actually see
it in black and white. I am just astounded with all my recent
support & insight and knowledge that I could get involved
with this man! And I saught him out! I was impressed that he
did not drink and that he has his daughter every weekend. But
he stays stoned to deal with her and then has injected me into
taking care of her. I guess it should be fairly easy to get out
as he doesn't seem to really care. Thank you for this opportunity
to get my feelings out.
I asked her if I could post her comment
and she wrote this:
Sure, Adam, I don't see how it will help
anyone as I am not sure what is going on, but please post it
annonymousely. I was with WOW and know him well enouph to know
that if I were thinking this it might not be a very good thing
for me. I was crafty enouph to get away from the Malignant Personality
ex; where I lived and all my belonging's were - I believe I can
get out of this safely too, but he can not know what I am thinking
about him.
I have joined the group posted on line to get insights on some
of this stuff - how to deal, how not to make anything escalate
into a more dangerouse situation, etc... In Women of Worth, we
never went into detail of these personalities, but a majority
of the abuser's where afflicted with them and they were all harmful
in various degrees obviousely.
A woman wrote this:
My ex son-in-law is a sociopath and I can
confirm how one person can cause such pain. The divorce was
7 years ago and he is obsessed with destroying my daughter through
their two children. He has held a good job with the same company
for 10 years - hard to believe! Reading the book "The Sociopath
Next Door" and your online information has helped me to
understand what is going on. I could never understand why other
people didn't see the dark side of him but I guess he can hide
it. Most of all I did not know how he could do some of the hurtful
things to my grandchildren and my daughter even to this day.
He is sick! The courts have given him generous visitation (he
says all the right things) and he does pay child support. Life
could be pleasant but he turns everything into a win and lose
fight and if he loses watch out....... As the children are getting
older he is spending a lot of time blaming their mother for not
cooperating when he doesn't get his way. His definition of cooperating
is getting his way no matter how unreasonable it is. He has
caused so much pain and I see no end. I pray my grandchildren
grow up OK - time will tell.
vsigned: A concerned Mother and Grandmother
A woman wrote this:
Thank you Adam for making your blog. I
find comfort in knowing I am not alone. The more I learn about
Sociopath's the more shocked and horrified I am by my knowledge.
I found a website today www.peepsheet.com. All of us who have
been taken for ride by a Sociopath need to complete peepsheets
to help others from being hurt.
My story: I was 27, just build my own home, owned a brand new
car and was doing very well with my career. I was chatting on
yahoo messenger with a girlfriend who lived out of state when
I was im'd by him. He was immediately charming and after chatting
for an hour had to 'go' and created an urgency about meeting
him because we hit it off so well. I followed all of the safety
steps on meeting in a public place, a girlfriend called to check
on me, people knew were I was etc... He was charming. We hit
it off and he had himself moved into my house within 60 days
I was feeling sorry for him, taking care of him and providing
for him. He had no car and worked near me so we carpooled.
No bank account so I cashed his checks, when he didn't have the
money to pay his debts, I paid them. Everything I knew about
this man I found out to be a lie. He was a con man. He conned
every friend he ever made, stole money from business prospects
and never delivered a thing. He lied cheated and stole from
his parents, even his own brother. Now 4 years later I have
figured him out. We have 2 children 2 years and 4 months. I
have cashed out my retirement, been through bankruptcy, lost
most of my friends, quit my job, luckily was able to keep my
house renting it out, but now live with my parents and I am still
in debt because after the bankruptcy during our first separation
he struck again, convincing me to get back together with him,
buying a car I couldn't afford on my own and having our 2nd child.
Of course every decision I made he convinced me was the right
one and for some reason I had a hard time finding my backbone
through the guilt and the pity he made me feel for him. I was
abused mentally by this man and am still horrified knowing that
I was just a little toy for him. I took him back after finding
out he was cheating, I let him get away with lying, I made excuses
for him and his behavior because I thought I was doing what was
best for my son. Now I know different. I am trying to keep
him out of our life. Luckily he is now living with his new girlfriend
so he has someone else to manipulate and spend time torturing.
I tried to warn her, she didn't listen. I have no idea what
kind of horrible stunts he will pull in the future, I pray he
slithers away to another state. I have learned in dealing with
him that a little bit of sugar goes a long way. I play with
fire a little. I make him think he is getting his way so he
will go away. I have recently decided that I don't want contact
with him and I don't want him to have contact with the kids in
fear he will ruin their lives. I am in therapy to deal with
my pain and rebuild my life. If you have readers in the Portland,
Oregon area, I would love to start a support group for those
of us affected by these horrible creatures. It is impossible
to understand the depths of pain these people cause unless you
have been through it yourself. I had no idea how commonplace
Sociopaths were. And I pray I never cross another one in my
lifetime.
A woman wrote this:
Thanks for writing your article. I actually
dated a sociopath and eventually told him to leave me alone.
He was more of a narcissist and so my safety was not at stake!
I work with a woman (it is not just men) who is severe sociopath.
It is disturbing to know that someone does not have the ability
to feel empathy but I definitely believe it to be clinical since
this woman has expressed time and time again why others do not
like her. She can’t understand the pain she causes others.
It is amazing actually. A normal person would understand but
she is missing the “empathy” chip. I won’t go
into details. I tend to attract these people because I feel sorry
for them. I end up trying to befriend them and lend helping hand.
Then they grab my arm and start pulling!!! But you know what,
you never know and can’t predict what people are like until
you get to know them. So, hard to say sometimes. I think trusting
your gut at first meeting is key in avoiding these people. In
every instance, a voice told me, stay away from this person!!
Hope my advice helps. Thanks!
Adam adds:
A good book on trusting your gut is Gavin
de Becker's The
Gift of Fear.
A man wrote in with this:
Thank you for the great article, and here
is another great resource that is kind of hard to find but I
think worth a look: http://www.sociopathicstyle.com/index.htm.
I hope you like it, I think it has the potential to help many
people.
A woman wrote:
Oh my gosh, My heart rate increased as
I read this. I am having so much trouble with a co-worker that
used to be a friend. Once he alluded to something a Dr. said
to him (but didn't say what) that he didn't like and I feel like
maybe he was diagnosed as a sociopath. Everything I just read
is true of him. He has work convinced that I'm up to no good
and I know this is all a game that he is intent on winning which
to him may mean that I leave my job or get terminated. How could
I have been so naive to get in to this?
Adam wrote to her saying it is not so
much naivete but the inability of a normal person to even conceive
of what it would be like to have no empathy for others. She wrote
back with this:
And how true your comment is. I am very
empathetic and I can't imagine someone not being, even though
it's true of many people. When reading about this kind of personality
the word evil comes to mind.
A woman wrote this note:
I LOVED THIS WEB PAGE!!
MY QUESTION IS WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE PERSON YOUR DEALING WITH
IS A CHILD?
MY 14 YEAR OLD STEP SON HAS BEEN THREW 2 DIFFERENT THERAPIST
OVER A 2 YEARS PERIOD. HE HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED A SOCIOPATH. I DON'T
KNOW HOW TO AVOID HIM WHEN HE LIVES IN MY HOUSE AND I HAVE TO
TAKE CARE OF HIM.
MY HUSBAND IS DISABLED DUE TO A HEART TRANSPLANT
AND SEVERE NEUROPATHY AS WELL AS EPILEPSY AND MY STEP SONS MOTHER
IS NOT IN THE PICTURE SO THAT LEAVES ME TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR
HIS BASIC NEEDS ETC.
I HAVE BEEN IN HIS LIFE FOR 12 OF HIS 14
YEARS AND HAVE ALWAYS TREATED HIM AS MY OWN. HOW DO I KEEP MY
GIRLS (15 AND 7 ) FROM GETTING HURT AND MYSELF AND HUSBAND WHEN
HE LIVES IN OUR HOME AND IS DEPENDENT ON ME?
THANK YOU SO MUCH !
Adam says:
Anyone who has a suggestion for her can
write to email@youmeworks.com and I will publish your answers
here.
Someone wrote in with this answer:
I'm writing in response to the woman who
posted a comment about her sociopathic step son. Antisocial Personality
Disorder is the diagnosis that applies to those called socipaths
or psychopaths. Children displaying these signs are typically
diagnosed with Conduct Disorder. Personality Disorders cannot
be diagnosed in childhood because these traits are not yet set
in stone, and a child's patterns of thought and behavior are
still developing. It sounds like there have been a lot of stressors
in your life which have inevitably affected your step son as
well. An intensive in-home family therapy program, if available,
could help you learn how to most effectively handle your child's
challenging behaviors and give him the tools and insight necessary
for him to learn to relate to others in a meaningful and appropriate
way. There are no guarantees, but children are resilient, and
giving him as much guidance, structure and support as you can
will give him his best chance at growing into a healthy adult.
Don't give up!
A man wrote this:
Hi. I read your article. I should say up
front that I am a Sociopath. The one thing your article didn't
elaborate on is how victims are chosen, if not by random chance.
Sure it varies but mostly it's because
there is contempt for the other person and a lesson they need
to learn and who better to teach them that life lesson? They
deserve what's coming to them. To knock their ego down a few
pegs or to humiliate them in front of people they boast to.
But for potential "people" in public. Let's take a
scenario.
The sociopath is at, say Barnes & Noble
and we eye a pretty woman sitting at the cafe section. As you
browse through the books you keep a glance on her as she sits,
reading a book. After 30 minutes you pretty much know her life
story by assessing how she is dressed, her hair, her nails right
down to the shoes and how she holds the book.
An insecure woman tends to have longer hair that can partially
cover her face. In this time I would be able to tell that she
has no children, is not in a relationship and doesn't have a
lot of close friends. How? Easy. As she sits she never glances
at her watch. Most women with children keep an eye on the time
to go pick them up from school or the sitter. But most women
with kids wont be sitting at the cafe for they have too much
to do. No cell phone calls or text messages. So she's not keeping
in touch with someone like a boyfriend nor does she have a lot
of friends that's texting or calling. For the average person,
especially on their day off how often do they go 30 min without
a phone call or text? Also, if they have a bluetooth device they
tend to be on the phone more. So if they don't have one, then
that's another indicator.
Then there's her body language. A woman
there to hopefully meet the right guy will glance up more than
normal to make eye contact with men that pass her by to show
that she is approachable. You can tell the kind of man she is
interested in by her facial expression. Young, middle-aged, facial
hair or clean shaven right down to how the men are dressed, whether
she likes casual, preppy or professional men.
It would take far too long to delve into
all of it but you pull all these things together in a short amount
of time and you can tell a lot about a person. Right down to
the book they're reading it'll show if they are in college or
what interests them. It's a start for a conversation.
But you are right in your advice that you don't want to humiliate
a socio/psychopath or "expose" them. It's best to move
on quietly unless you've done something where you are a personal
mission of theirs. But even then, for women who upsets a guy
like this they will get great revengeful pleasure in pretending
to be you online and making you out to be a whore in chat rooms
and the like. But readers can't go by psychologists for warning
signs. First, chances are the psychologist is being deceived
and also how a socio/psychopath interacts with you is custom
tailored to the individual involved.
A woman wrote:
Here is my situation. I was married at
18, to a man who made me feel needed me to help him get over
his issues, a man who played on sympathy(knowing I came from
a good family and was a compassionate person) on my 19th birthday
I discovered my husband to be a sociopath. I went againt the
psychologists orders(stupid me) and not wanting to believe it,
and wanting to be a wife with no secrets and help my husband,
I asked him if he were one. He played it just as I was warned,
and had me manipulated back to square one….I dropped the
sociopath thought and kept living (in hell). Around 20 years
old, after too many things (almost everything) pulling me back
to the “sociopath “ thought, I began reading about
them again, and realized how he fit the bill to perfection. For
the last 1 ½ years of our marriage I recorded outbursts,
abuse, everything that would link me and reaffirm my conclusion
of him………it didn’t fail me, it scared the
shit right out of me. I was married to a sociopath.
I managed to leave with the help (instruction)
of a womans shelter, and mental health phone line. It has been
5 years since my divorce, He has been in and out of jail 4 times,
Is currently serviing a sentence of 5 years (till 2011). He is
a BAD man….I have 2 kids with him, and NOW……after
5 years of no contact, he is taking me to court cause he wants
me to dismiss the $42,000.00 he owes for child support (which
I would have never enforced, but I had to to get help with subsidized
housing), he wants me to also pay his lawyer fees.
I want him to give up parental rights in
exchange for me erasing the money owed……………
TODAY (Sep 10/08) I talked to him for the
first time, to discuss my terms……I am so scared for
my kids. My ex-husband (I don’t think will let up) and hand
off parental rights……….and I don’t know how
else to deal with him. I have lost practice, and I feel the way
I used to when I talked to him. I felt swallowed into HIS sorrows,
and pity…..I lost my backbone……How can I talk
to him (how SHOULD I talk to him) so that I can fight against
the abuses he is planning. My son remembers the abuse (my son
does, daughter was too young), he remembers quite a bit, and
after 5 years of redirecting him from following in the fathers
footsteps, he is now such a wonderful young boy…………I
DON’T WANT THEM TO KNOW THEIR DAD>>>>>>>>>>IT
WILL MESS THEM UP………………….HELP
ME…………….How do I deal with this man?
I need someone to put on their smart cap and let me know how
to approach this man.
Adam adds this comment:
I told her I'd publish her comment and
let others write in with help. Do you have any suggestions for
her? Write to email@youmeworks.com and I will publish the answers
right here. Thank you.
A man wrote:
My wife's ex is turning our lives upside
down legally and is threatening to destroy the life we've built
up for ourselves over the last nine years. At the center of the
problem is the 10 year old son they have in common, who has been
in our primary care since he was a baby.
My wife and I have been very committed
parents to both the boy and our own five year old daughter, much
of it motivated by the broken homes we both sprang from. No two
people could have been more committed to 'doing it right', to
learning from the mistakes of our respective parents and step-parents,
than the two of us. And no two people could have made it easier
for my wife's ex to work effectively and constructively regarding
his son. Yet for all these years this guy has made the situation
a nightmare, to a point where there's been times I've felt like
strangling the guy out of sheer frustration, exasperation, mental
exhaustion, and simple anger at the way he's acted towards all
of us.
In just about every way imaginable this
guy fits the bill as an out an out sociopath. He's extremely
manipulative, disingenuous, and one of the most unconscionable
liars I've ever met. The man doesn't know the meaning of remorse,
never apologizes for his atrocious behavior, never accepts responsibility
for his actions, and has played on our good intentions and sympathy
for years, knowing full well about our convictions and our determination
to make it work with him for the sake of his son. He also fits
the bill perfectly when it comes to possessions, and is one of
the world's greatest misers, though he'll happily and impulsively
squander money on himself when the mood takes him. Problem is
he can't do the same for his son, who he frequently short-changes
when it comes to birthdays and Christmas. He's a master at turning
situations around to make my wife — or his son — look
the guilty party when he's been the transgressor, and will mount
the most elaborate lies and play out parts like some demented
method actor living out a scenario in real life. My wife has
told me often that during their marriage he was about as emotionally
distant and cold as one could imagine, completely arrogant and
patronizing to her in private, and virtually asexual when it
came to their sex life — after the pregnancy he never touched
her again for the remaining two years of their marriage. From
what we have seen since the breakup of their marriage, and what
my wife knows of his past, he exhibits the typical trait of sociopaths
in that he can't sustain relationships at all. And there haven't
been many for a guy who's now in his early 50's — all have
lasted 2 - 3 years at best.
Friends have been few and far between through
his life, and in fact he uses his son to meet people, including
the latest lady in his life, who he met through the scout troop
he forced his son to join against his will. We've noticed that
he seems to have a proclivity for befriending strong-willed women
with weak husbands, which may or may not tie in with something
else my wife discovered towards the end of their marriage, a
taste for cruising S & M sites on the net.
The only trait he doesn't exhibit as per
the usual pathology of sociopaths is a violent or aggressive
nature — he's anything but. My wife and I have half-joked
for years that he's the ultimate poster child for passive aggressive
behavior. And he has managed to hold down a job for quite some
time, contrary to the usual stuff I've read about sociopaths
not being to hold down a job. He's an architect who works for
the state government.
The point to all this is that we are currently
embroiled in a legal issue that threatens to destroy our family.
My wife, who has been paying for the boy to go to a private school
for 7 years without a cent from the ex, asked him earlier this
year to start chipping in, which he refused. He also refused
a request to raise the amount of money he pays her in child support,
which only represents about 10% of his income. He again refused,
hardly surprising given his reluctance to part with money at
all. When my wife suggested mediation, he countered by mounting
a law suit against her claiming everything and anything, all
of it lies. He has no compunction at all about destroying all
that we have tried to accomplish for the last nine years, and
has exhibited his usual tendency to completely manipulate the
situation to victimize my wife and paint himself as the victim,
all the while lying his face off.
In the midst of it we got reports from
the boy that the son of his ex's fiancee, a boy of his own age,
has been sexually abusing him and indulging in a lot of bullying.
The timing was unfortunate, but we had to do the right thing
and sent the boy to a psychologist to ascertain if he was okay.
My wife was specifically told that she had to be above board
with the whole thing and make sure that the ex was present throughout.
They both had to fill out reports, give their own private views,
and so on. My wife did what she was supposed to do, the ex turned
the whole thing from being about his son and perverted it into
being about himself. We discovered later that he'd held private
meetings with the shrink, had set about discrediting his son
and all that the boy might have to say about him by claiming
the boy was manipulative and a liar, that he'd witnessed me being
physically abusive towards my wife and the boy, and that drugs
were an issue in our household. We also started getting reports
from the boy that he was being pressured by his father to reveal
what he was saying to the psychologist, obviously a cardinal
sin that ran against everything we had told him about opening
up to the doctor in the full knowledge that all he had to say
was confidential.
To give you an indication of just what
a persuasive liar this guy is, the psychologist fell for his
garbage hook, line, and sinker, and issued a report painting
the boy as unreliable and in need of therapy, and my wife as
manipulative and in need of therapy herself. It was so far off
base as far as the truth was concerned that it was like describing
Mother Teresa as a whore or the Jews as the true culprits of
the holocaust who had victimized the Nazis.
This is all about money, and for the sake
of it the ex will destroy his son, the environment we've worked
so hard to create for him, and the close relationship he has
to a little sister who adores him.
The psychologist report has really hurt
our case, and the only chance we have is to thoroughly discredit
it. We have had one psychologist look at it so far and snort
his disgust at its findings, and we are also trying to line up
another one with the kind of cache that may persuade the judge
to really see how much the ex compromised the process. But we
really feel that the best chance we have is to try and show the
judge what we've been dealing with as far as the ex's personality
is concerned. We can state he's a sociopath and an unconscionable
liar till the cows come home, but obviously we'll be laughed
out of court. As you know something of the subject you know well
how persuasive and charming sociopaths can be, and this guy is
an expert at adopting whatever mask is most appropriate to a
given situation.
Are there such things as experts in this
field, people who can hear us out and come forward on our behalf
to testify, at least so far as the effects it's had on us? That
might persuade the judge that there is indeed something wrong
with the ex that may need further evaluation - hell, my wife
and I would both volunteer to go through evaluation ourselves
if it would get him tested as well. Obviously we can't force
the ex to undergo evaluation, and I'm not sure an expert psychologist
could even detect his pathology if he's prepared and determined
to go through a process with flying colors. But we need some
kind of help desperately, otherwise my stepson's life will be
irreparably harmed if his father gets the equal custody he's
after. The boy doesn't want to go, and we fear for his mental
well-being if he's forced to spend any more time with his father
than he has to.
You said yourself that the general idea
with people like this is to just run, but because of the boy
we can't. The thought that we have to put up with this guy for
another 8 years, until my stepson reaches the age of 18, is an
appalling though to consider. After 8 years of putting up with
everything and anything, turning the other cheek constantly,
we've just reached a point where we need to find some way of
keeping him at a distance while still allowing him access to
the boy. I don't know how we can do it, or if there's light at
the end of the tunnel for us with what we're going through at
the moment. We just feel caught up in a vortex beyond our control,
one that we can't believably or readily explain to others.
Adam asked him if he wants to publish
his email address so people could write to him with advice, and
he responded with this:
My note may have given the impression that
we're pushovers with this guy. There's certainly been times when
my wife has yelled at him in anger, and there's also been times
I've let fly at him in exasperation at his behavior. We've done
everything to work with him, and have forgiven him a lot, but
we've also been fairly firm with him most of the time. That's
where the passive-aggressive crap comes out, the controlling
and manipulation.
There've been times I've even threatened
to have a restraining order put on him because of the way he
kept harassing my wife while I'd be away on business trips, particularly
after one occasion when he started giving her a hard time only
a matter of days after we'd lost a baby five months into the
pregnancy.
Yelling does no good though, he just freezes
up and uses it to play the victim, and right at this moment I'm
playing it very quiet so that he can't turn around and use any
of my behavior against us — I'd only have to say 'boo' to
the guy and he'd claim I'm threatening him. The lawyer he has
representing in his lawsuit is about as nasty as they get, real
viperish.
I haven't written anything to to the support
groups, nor to the comments section. You're more than welcome
to put my note on there, though I'd appreciate it being anonymous,
mainly to avoid spam. I get enough of it as it is from people
who trawl the net looking for any sign of addresses to bombard.
If you can change the address you're more than welcome to put
an old email address in, which is wildepuzzles@msn.com. We seldom
use it these days, except for high risk messages that will almost
certainly attract spam. I sift through it once a week to see
if there's anything relevant amongst all the garbage.
Yeah, we are in a tough spot, and we've
got until the end of October to try and sort something out before
the next hearing. I wish we could make the guy disappear, but
with the psychologist's report up his sleeve it isn't going to
happen. She took all the information she obtained from the boy
and the father about how poor the relationship is between them
and blamed it on my wife, then went on to state that she believes
the boy needs to spend time with his father to overcome their
problems and bond! We have spent YEARS trying to tell the guy
to pay closer attention to the boy and stop making him feel marginalized
with every new relationship he jumps into. Now the psychologist,
thanks to all the bull and Sad Sack behavior she's received from
him, wants to claim that we've been responsible for the problems!
We have since found out that my wife couldn't
have taken the boy to a worse group of psychologists — 6
lawyers have told us so! The head of the group is very big on
fathers rights, which is all well and good under normal circumstances,
but you can't apply that kind of cookie-cutter psychology to
this situation, which is what they're doing. And the findings
came after only two sessions with the boy, and no one-on-one
sessions with my wife. My wife spent the entire weekend in bed
sobbing when she saw the report, so devastating was its findings,
and so inaccurate.
As with everything else, the ex did the
damage on my wife's dime. He was supposed to pay for half of
the costs for the boy's sessions, yet after each occasion, especially
the last one when he apparently skulked around to have a few
private words with the lady, he shot out when it came his turn
to pay and left my wife to pick up the tab. Months later she's
still chasing him for the money.
Anyway, we'll see what we can do. There
has to be a solution for all this somewhere.
Adam adds:
Anyone have any advice for this couple?
You can send it to email@youmeworks.com and/or write directly
to them at wildepuzzles@msn.com.
A woman wrote:
Hi there, I would like to make my comments
but I am still in a very traumatic situation with not one but
two people who fit most of the criteria for Sociopath.
I think my situation is all the more poignant because is has
taken me over 40 years to realise these symptoms actually exist
in these people. I sympathise with the 'Moth to a flame' comments
too as my own experiences have led me to not only fall into an
abusive relationship with another Sociopath but also to 'create'
sociopathic symptoms in someone else (although I hasten to add
he was not actually a sociopath).
My Mother has always kept me close to her from childhood and
as a result I always felt great affection for her but also an
overwhelming sense of duty. My Father died when I was 19 and
I assumed his role through a sense of obligation which had been
nurtured over a number of years. I know that many people will
say that anyone would feel the same and I used to think so too.
Mum would 'do' things for me and then bring them up later as
a 'stick' for me to toe her line. She is fiercely religious and
terribly pious but her attitudes are tainted with hypocrisy.
Mum would 'interfere' with my relationships with boyfriends and
convince me to dump them. All the time I believed I was making
my own mind up but recent events have caused me to re-evaluate
these actions. I eventually married at the age of 25, a marriage
which was to be short lived due to his abusive nature (both physically
and mentally) and of course Mum was there to 'pick up the pieces'.
She never failed to tell me how much she had done to help me.
Several brief relationships followed and while they were not
serious Mum did not interfere. Then I met my ex-husband and when
she realised the relationship was serious she blew her top and
told us both we were unsuited. My ex reminded me recently that
when we started our relationship I had said to him that I had
an obligation to my Mum and that she could be a bit difficult
and I hoped that it would not be a problem to him. For 10 years
Mum constantly undermined our relationship and caused problems
wherever she could but she was very careful not to make it look
like it was down to her. She was always very observant and used
the problems within my relationship with my ex to make it look
like he was the one being unreasonable. Her manipulation grew
stronger when my daughter was born and my ex had an overwhelming
feeling that Mum wanted her and me to herself. The break up of
our marriage was not as a direct result of my Mum's interference
but it certainly made things more difficult. I found myself making
excuses for my Mother's behaviour to such an extent that my ex
started to display the same selfish characteristics of my Mother.
When I had decided that I wanted a Divorce my Mum suggested I
move back home with my daughter. I thought this was an act of
love but I couldn't have been more wrong. My ex was right all
along she wanted control of my life and that of my daughter's.
When I moved back it all started, of course at first she made
it look like it was out of concern for my welfare but she took
great pleasure in demonising my ex husband and telling me she
was right all along. I felt I was not getting support or a fair
evaluation of the situation so I confided in a male friend who
was experiencing the same difficulties as myself and I received
a far more objective view on things from him.
Of course, sharing thoughts and feelings with someone leads to
an emotional bond and over the next few months we had discovered
that we were falling for each other. When we started seeing each
other the first person I told was my Mum and at the time she
seemed fine about it.... Until a year into our relationship I
went out for the day with him and his children and my own daughter.
This of course triggered the 'jealousy' in her and the nastiness
and manipulation started. She started 'making things up' to cause
arguments and then when I retaliated she would use my retaliation
as a weapon. Some of her arguments sounded very plausible and
I gave in and gave in until the only thing she would accept was....
yes you guessed it dumping him!
This went on for six months. All this time she would spend slagging
me off to my extended family and she can be very plausible. Then
the worst thing in the world happened. My brother returned home!
You might think what is the problem with that? Well my brother
is even worse than Mum. He 'skids' through life. One broken relationship
after another and it is NEVER any fault of his. He always returned
home from time to time, always with a sob story and broke! I
can't count the number of times when some woman or other has
'ripped him off' and he has a debt to pay which is nothing to
do with him. Every time either Mum or I would bail him out. I
have never heard him say thank you!
Anyway, Mum enlisted my brother into her 'witch hunt' and now
if I say even one thing that they disapprove of World War 3 breaks
out. My brother uses abusive language towards me and Mum takes
his side. I pay all the bills and they call me a scrounger!!!
He has taken over my daughter's bedroom without any remorse.
I should say that when I moved in I invested a very large sum
of money in getting the property extended and my Mum put half
the property in my name (her idea). I am now being told that
I have robbed my Mum.
Mum insisted in taking my daughter to school and picking her
up and now this is used against me. I suggested on one occasion
to alter my working hours so that she did not have to do this
and she lost the plot. I am a prisoner of my own making. I believed
my Mum did what she did out of love and my heart is breaking
as I realise that she did what she did for her. I am also finding
it very difficult to get rid of my feelings of obligation to
her. She has even said to my daughter (who is nearly 6) 'I am
good to you and your Mummy and Daddy get all the Thanks'.
The one thing I can never get to grips with is their inability
to say Sorry. It is such a small word but I get the distinct
impression that if either of them were to utter it they would
spontaneously combust.
They have also forbidden me to talk about the situation to anyone
else!!!
I know this is long but it is still only a precis of events.
I could write a book!!!!
A man wrote this:
The summary at the bottom, my ex-girlfriend
exibited 4,5,6,7,9, and 11. Is that enough to be at least a low-level
sociopath? And, the article seems to be worded that only men
are sociopaths. Everything mentioned seems to be "him",
and the woman being the victim of the situation.
The relationship was probably wrong from
the start, as she decided, being a work-driven woman, to leave
her husband and her two small children, and she claimed she wanted
me. Her ex-husband was the stay-at-home dad. She was the worker.
After two and a half years, as her two
daughters grew to be 5 and 8 years old, she began to miss being
with her two children everyday, or nearly everyday. This led
to her pulling away from me, not explaining why to me, just changing
her behavior toward me. Very painful for me. Then the symptoms
I listed above began showing more and more.
Is that being a sociopath, or is it just
reacting to making a decision to leave her family's home, and
then finding that she did not like the decision she had made?
She seems to have emotion, as she will cry at sad parts of movies.
But other than sad parts of tv shows and movies, she seems very
hard or cold otherwise.
Thanks for the great informative web site.
My answer wasn't much, I'm afraid:
You're welcome. As far as determining whether
or not your ex is a sociopath, it is hard to say. It's hard for
even expert diagnosticians to say. All you can do is make your
best judgment and act accordingly, which it sounds like you have
done.
A woman who wanted to remain anonymous
sent me this address: lovefraud.com. Later she wrote back with
this:
I actually noticed that someone else also
wrote about the website in the 'comments' section. It seems to
be the most helpful site that I, and all of the other bloggers,
have found. An author will post a main message, article or email
and we comment about it and to each other. It has been a lifesaving
support group. Names are anonomous, and the bloggers are very
understanding, nurturing and loving. It takes place wherever
you happen to be on the internet...
Definitely post this for others who haven't found the site yet.
And thank you for the info you have provided.
Thanks and God Bless.
Anonymous wrote:
Hi, my name is (we'll call her Anonymous)
and I am pretty sure my stepson in sociopath. He has been on
crystal meth for about 15 years, but even before he got into
drugs, he would lie just to be lying. He has been in and out
of jail for drugs, non child support more times than I can count.
His dad or someone always got him out. Till this time. He makes
his mom feel sorry for him so she is sending him money each week
or two. She is having a hard time making ends meet, so he is
trying to get her to go behind my back and get money from his
dad. He won't pay child support, (has 4 kids) but he feels like
his parents sure owe him.
I have never met anyone that even when
caught doing something will try and deny it till he reaches the
end of the rope where he can't and then makes up excuses. He
once told us he had a job helping clean chicken houses. We wondered
why he never had a penny. He was very convincing, till one day
I found out he didn't have that job and never did. He is a good
worker but can't keep a job even as long as a year. Does this
person sound like to you that he is a sociopath?
Sincerely, Anonymous
P.S. He will use anyone he can. When my
son was 19 years old, he moved out and as soon as my stepson
found out, he was in the apartment with my son. He never paid
one dime, but yet told everyone that would listen that he bought
groceries and that my son would eat them up. How in this world
can you do that when you won't work?
Adam wrote:
Hello Anonymous,
He sure has put you through the wringer!
Would you mind if I published your note on the comments page
of the sociopath article? I could do it anonymously. I think
it would help people.
Anonymous wrote:
No, I don't mind and yes, he has and still
is putting everyone that will let him. Right now, his mom is
trying to have the tough love, but it is so hard on her. He is
in jail now for drugs and they want him in another county for
drugs, plus he is almost 100,000 dollars behind on child support.
His case worker says he will have to have $25,000 to get out.
Anyway, be my guest, but doesn't he sound like a sociapath to
you? He has like seven out of ten that I read.
Another anonymous writer wrote:
Hello Adam,
My name is (Anonymous) and I found your website on Google and
I looked up the word sociopath. I was completely blown away because
I was looking it up because I strongly believe my boyfriend of
6 years is one. I copied all these feelings that you posted that
one might be feeling and I said "yes" to all of them.
I just recently found out that he has been
with someone else for the last 2 years while he was with me.
He is an excellent liar and can be very charming. When I found
out what he was doing he did not apologize or even look for me
to see if i was okay. I cried for 2 months. I kept replaying
all his behaviors in my head and just could not understand how
he could not feel bad that he had done this to me. No apology.
No nothing. As a matter a fact I got the blame for it.
First of all I have never cheated on him.
Never. He blames me. We have a 2 year-old together and he fits
all the personality traits that it says here. He always made
me feel guilty. He always compliments himself and says"I'm
a catch"about himself.
Your article opened my eyes because recently
he tried to get me back and sweet talk me and all this...but
when I read your article, it was a relief because just that little
bit of information help me see why he is the way he is and that
he is no good for me. He has put me through so much in the last
6 years and I am only 25 years old.
My brother pleaded with me not to take
him back and told me: " He is a liar and a narcissist,"
and at first I could not understand what that meant and my brother
says "He loves himself only." WOW. I guess I never
really knew him. But answering YES to your questions blew me
away because I feel strongly about all of the questions. He was
always saying, "I need your attention babe, I'm bored."
I would work harder to make him happy but he was never happy.
Never.
Thank you for your article.
1. They make you feel sorry for them.
2. They make you feel worried or afraid.
all the time
3. They give you the impression you owe
them. When he would buy me something, I felt like that.
4. They make you feel used. yes
5. Sometimes you suspect they don't care
about you. all the time
6. They lie to you and deceive you. he
did all the time
7. They take a lot from you and give back
very little. yes, and made me feel as if I dont give anything
8. They make you feel guilty (and use that
to manipulate you). all the time
9. They take advantage of your kindness.
YES!!
10. They are easily bored and need constant
stimulation. always says he is bored
11. They don't take responsibility but
place blame elsewhere. Never says Sorry.
1. Do you often feel used by the person?
Yes
2. Have you often felt that he (or she)
doesn't care about you? yes
3. Does he lie and deceive you? yes
4. Does he tend to make contradictory statements?
OMG!! all the time
5. Does he tend to take from you and not
give back much? YES
6. Does he often appeal to pity? Does he
seem to try to make you feel sorry for him? YES
7. Does he try to make you feel guilty?
I always feel gulty
8. Do you sometimes feel he is taking advantage
of your good nature? YES
9. Does he seem easily bored and need constant
stimulation? yes
10. Does he use a lot of flattery? Does
he interact with you in a way that makes you feel flattered even
if he says nothing overtly complimentary? YES
11. Does he make you feel worried? Does
he do it obviously or more cleverly and sneakily? YES
12. Does he give you the impression you
owe him? all the time
13. Does he chronically fail to take responsibility
for harming others? Does he blame everyone and everything but
himself? YES
Adam wrote:
Hi Anonymous,
Thank you for writing. You're welcome for
my article. Would you mind if I published your note to me on
the comments page of the article on sociopaths? I think it would
help others. I could publish it anonymously of course.
Adam
She wrote back:
Hi Adam,
Please do. Maybe it will help someone else.
I hope it does, because sociopaths can really damage a person
and make your life hell. I am ready to start a new life and be
happy again.
Thank You,
Anonymous
A man wrote in:
Hi, I came across your page on Google and
thought I would thank you for making it.
I met a sociopath when I was 12, 7 out
of the last 9 years I have known him in close terms. I was his
‘friend’ or rather a mutual object of amusement.
He was very intriguing and very very quiet
when I first met him. Over the years I watched him evolve and
steal personalities, back stab his ‘friends’ who by
the way are still faithfully attached to him and blissfully unaware
of his true identity. Never once did he show one single emotion
in the 8 years I was around him. Fascinating, chilling, disturbing.
He ended up becoming one of the most popular
kids in school by our 12th grade year.
And no one had a clue.
I have to say that he was and still is
an anomaly to me. Now reading that there is no known cause, no
treatment, and no answers to this sort of condition is all the
more perplexing. I think that everyone should at least meet a
sociopath once in their lives, and know what sort of creature
they are looking at when they shed their fake smiles on you.
Every emotion they ‘display’ is scripted for their
own amusement. They are more like machines in living flesh.
I’m happy to say that I once knew
a sociopath, and saw through the sheep’s wool he was covered
in.
They truly are fascinating. As a study
of course.. ;)
A woman named Tia P. wrote:
I am the daughter, ex-wife, sister and
mother of one. Like a moth to a light, my experience with my
own mother has lead me to the inspiration to write a book about
them.
Anyway, I joined this new website called
lovefraud.com. It is a great resource. Hope it is useful.
Sincerely,
Tia P.
I wrote her back to ask for permission
to print her note, and she added more:
Let me elaborate, my moth to a light just
shows the damage that a sociopath can do to its own child, which
is why I fell in love with one, so please further elaborate on
that in the message.
Another great resource is: The Family Compass
(866) 490-3666. They have boarding school programs for sociopaths
(um, correction because we can't call them that until they turn
18, but we know what they are), I mean children with Anti-Social
Personality Disorder or Oppositional Defiant Disorder.
You wouldn't believe how I defended my
daugther at an early age when they told me that something was
wrong with her in her school district. I got lawyers involved,
filed lawsuits, humiliated school district counsel. I had to
return to every one of them when I found out what my daugter
was. I overlooked her eyes, which totally tells the story that
she is without a soul, there is nothing there, just empty. It's
like a monster glancing at you from behind a mask, same with
my mother and my ex-husband.
I could tell you stories about all three
of them that would make you cry, perhaps soon you will read about
it in a book. I'm not out to become a bestseller, but if I can
reach Oprah and let the world know about them and identifying
what they are, I believe the world would be a better place. I
personally think that they should all be branded. Thanks Adam.
Another woman who wished to be anonymous
wrote:
First let me just say thank you for your
article...I have been dealing with a sociopath for the past 16
years. We dated, lived together, married, have 2 children and
divorced. I have been in Family Court, Supreme Court and Criminal
Court for about 10 years.
He has completely ruined my life to where
I no longer have any sort of savings, do not have our children,
lost 2 homes, I'm now trying to file bankruptcy and I'm on my
2nd divorce...not to mention all the other little things he has
done and continues to do to me (breaking into my home, water
in my gas tank, ruining my husband's boat, tapping my phone,
questioning my children, filling my children's head with negative
and false things about me, will offer money to me for sexual
favors and state he is helping me out ... I could go on and on).
My son has ADHD and have done alot of reading
regarding neurological disabilities and at one time a couple
of years ago came upon reading about ASPD (Antisocial Personality
Disorder) ...and knew without a doubt that was my husband. I
had tried to get the three different lawyers that I had to understand
what I was and have been dealing with... the law guardian...the
foresonic psycologist ... nothing...I had gotten an Order of
Protection and received an extension due to a Violation in Criminal
Court...He was investigated (I know he did do it) for raping
a 15 year-old neighbor and when she was 16 she had gotten pregnant
he took her for an abortion. The police gathered evidence and
brought it to the Proscecutor but she felt so much time had gone
by she would not get a conviction so she did not pursue the case.
That is just one story I'm telling....I have many more.
No matter how I have tried to protect my
children and the record he has I was never able to keep him from
them. I have spent all my money. And since he has married someone
who comes from much money...
I could probably write my own book and
just might but for now ... I'm again very fustrated ... I have
no family ... no money... if I could fight him or knew a way
too I would. I have since read many articles on ASPD and when
you said it is all about the game and will do anything to win...well
that explains why I fought and fought and just kept hitting a
brick wall. Now he has had the children for almost 4 years...my
Son is 15 and is hurting because he abuses him probably more
in a emotional way then physical and it is effecting him. He
has finally opened up to me ... (last year he went through panic
attacks) and it is killing me. I also believe and looking back
believe because he has money has been able to and goes out of
his way to find "those" type of people who he can payoff.
It has been extremely fustrating. I no longer trust lawyers,
the courts and to be honest sometimes I wonder because I never
have given up and have continued to fight him to what extent
he would go to.
I just would like to end this by saying
reading your article made me feel I'm not crazy ... it gives
me strength to keep going on those days I just want to go in
a corner a cry.
After I responded, she added more:
Let me lst start off by saying thank you
for taking the time to read my story and respond. Of course you
are welcome to publish my story.
Right now my main concern is for my 15 year-old Son...he so badly
wants to come back and live with me. When I gave up residential
custody (long story) almost 4 years ago, my Son said he did not
want to live with his Father (I have lived with that guilt everyday).
My ex lives in a very "wealthy" Community and my Son
was classified and has been in Special Ed since 1st Grade. The
Special Ed Program he now attends has been very good for him.
He lives in a million dollar home and has a live in nanny/housekeeper
and tutor to help him with homework. This is what has been keeping
me from going crazy.
But the last couple of months I repeatly was noticing my Son
becoming angry, unsociable, would not communicate with me, and
he almost seemed depressed. About a year and a half ago he was
going through panic attacks and got him help (again finding out
it was his Father that was causing all the stress) I would say
to him that I do not recognize the child I raised. I was so relieved
when he opened up to me on how he was "feeling" and
how his Father has been affecting him. I pray to God that both
my children will continue to know that they can come to me with
any problems or information (especially if it involves their
Father) and know I will believe them and will be there in anyway
I can.
My current "obstacle" is: I have no money. Even if
I fight him I'm always put before the same "supervising
judge in Supreme Court" and lose. I'm afraid if my Son convinces
my ex to let him come back and live with me what he will do to
make our lives a living hell (which I can guarantee he will do!!).
Or what he will do to my Son for trying to leave him. My Son
is getting older and because he has ADHD (on medication) but
also has a short temper and is impulsive I'm afraid of the confrontation
that may happen when he finds out that my Son wants to come back
to me. So when you ask me what I'm going to do...I really do
not know yet! But one thing you can count on is that I have not
given up and never will...I love my children more than anything
in this world...they are and will always be the only thing that
matters to me.
Another woman said:
As an educator in the field of special
education, I think I must encounter little sociopaths regularly.
Having been in the field for over thirty years, I could make
a short list of students who easily meet the criteria. What is
an effective way to deal with these students? As a teacher, you
can't get away from them and, from my experience, they make it
their mission to gain control over the teacher. When I was in
a small classroom, I developed a "behavior chart" system
that offered tangible rewards for positive behaviors, and that
worked somewhat, as long as the rewards were satisfying; i.e.,
computer free-time, toys, etc. I can see now that competition
could be a motivator, but the teacher would have to be the opponent,
rather than an innocent classmate.
In a later message, she added:
One thing I should clear up right away
is that I am no longer teaching -- now I am a special education
diagnostician, so I test children who are suspected of having
special needs. In that venue I have definitely met students who
probably fit the criteria. Typically, regular classroom teachers
try to get those kids out of the classroom, but they go to the
specialists like I used to be. Also, many end up in special schools.
This is a vast topic and it may be okay to put it out there on
the comments page. I just don't want to sound like an alarmist
who needs an immediate solution, so perhaps I should rewrite
my inquiry and get back to you with it.
Thank you so much for responding. Since
I started reading Stout's book (The
Sociopath Next Door) I have thought of little else.
The comments above are on the article,
Common Everyday Sociopaths.
We now have a comments page dedicated to the article. To share
your story, give us another resource, ask for advice, or give
advice, go to Comments on Sociopath Article. |
