IN ORDER TO FIND a love for life, youll
need to know what your strongest interest is. What really interests
you? What do you love to talk about, read about, do, have, play
with? If you dont know the answer to those questions, or
if the answers are a bunch of minor interests rather than one
major interest, forget about finding a mate until you know what
your passion is. But once you know that, finding
a mate is easy: Pursue your interest and see who shows up.
Lets say you love sailing. If you
want to find someone youll love to talk to, youll
need to find someone as interested in sailing as you are. Otherwise,
although the two of you may have a functional relationship, youll
be living in different worlds. Our deepest purposes and interests
are at the heart of who we are.
So join a sailing club, go to sailing classes
and races. Pursue your interest. The people you meet in a sailing
club are much more likely to be interested in sailing than the
people youd meet in a bar, for example.
The rush of hormones at the beginning of
a relationship wears off. Sorry to say it, but its true.
No matter how attractive someone may be, that initial intense
rush eventually dies down. But thats okay, because theres
a deeper, more satisfying kind of love and attraction: the respect
and affection between two people who share a common purpose or
Raising children ends up being the common
purpose between many married couples. But if child-raising doesnt
intensely interest both of you, it isnt a good enough purpose
to create and maintain the longtime happiness of a lifemate.
Two things need to be said. First, youll
never find the perfect mate. She or he may seem
perfect for a while, but no one can meet every one of your ideals.
In fact, some of your ideals are probably mutually exclusive,
so meeting all of them is literally impossible. Youll eventually
find faults in anyone because everyone has faults. When you find
faults with your mate, remind yourself of that. Quit imagining
that there is a perfect person out there somewhere. There isnt.
Second, even when youve found your
lifemate, youll sometimes be attracted to others.
Its human. It doesnt mean anything except that you
are a biological machine, built to breed. The human species (and
every other species on the planet) has a built-in urge to multiply.
Stick with your mate and dont let it be important that
others attract you. Your response to yourself can simply be So
what if Im attracted to someone? It doesnt mean anything.
Stay true to your mate even when an occasional attraction inclines
you temporarily to do otherwise. Youll be happier and healthier
as a result.
You want to find a lifemate? Take up your
strongest interest with enthusiasm and see who shows up. After
you find the person youre looking for and the rush of hormones
has worn off, accept the fact that your mate isnt perfect,
that nobody is perfect, and remind yourself that it isnt
important that you are occasionally attracted to others. Do this
and you can live (pretty darn) happily ever after.
Pursue your interest and remind
Nobodys perfect and attraction to others is unimportant.