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PEOPLE LOVE TO BE APPRECIATED and they
hate being told they’re wrong. Given that, a good way to
get what you want from others is to:
1. appreciate what you like
2. ignore what you don’t like
3. never indicate — even in your tone of voice or body language
— you think they’re wrong.
Let’s look at the first part: Appreciate
what you like. Strongly appreciate anything the person
does that’s in the direction of what you want. Tell
her or him why you appreciate it, how much you enjoy it,
how it makes you feel, and how, specifically, it makes your life
easier, happier, or whatever. Detail works better than vagueness
or generalities.
It works to let people know what you want
from them if you can tell them without making them feel
wrong. But once they know what you want, find every opportunity
you possibly can — when they do what you want — to
praise it! If you want him to pick up his clothes, and he picks
up one sock, praise it! Forget the stuff he didn’t pick
up. Keep at this and you’ll see more and more of what you
want and less and less of what you don’t want. Be specific:
What exactly do you appreciate? Why specifically do you appreciate
it? Don’t expect quick results. Just be consistent and enthusiastic
with your appreciation and avoid any attempt to make him feel
wrong, and you’ll see a gradual shift over to what you want.
When you do this, at first you may feel
somewhat awkward or uncomfortable. Most of us aren’t accustomed
to giving sincere, heartfelt appreciation face to face. Keep
at it. Push through it. You’ll find the awkwardness fades
and you’ll also finds the rewards well worth your trouble.
Now about the second and third parts (they
go together): Ignore what you don’t like, and avoid making
people feel wrong. If you make someone feel wrong, what will
he do? Answer: Try to be right! He will make an excuse for it,
he will try to justify it. He’ll want to make himself feel
right, not change his ways. If you give someone the opportunity
to feel appreciated for what he does that you like, and if you
also leave the rest alone, he is very likely to change his ways.
But if you make him wrong, you actually make it harder for him
to change.
The best way to get people to do what you
want is to pretty much overlook what you don’t want
and enthusiastically appreciate what you do want. It’s
magic.
Downplay or overlook what you
don’t want and
enthusiastically appreciate what you do want. |
