THERE ARE BASICALLY TWO WAYS to talk to
your loved ones. The first is to hide some of your true wants
and feelings, either by not expressing them at all or by being
so indirect and nice that your loved ones dont
know for sure how you really feel.
The other way is to be honest about what
you want and feel.
The results of these two approaches
are drastically different.
When you hide what you really want and
feel, guess what? You still want and feel those things.
Remember that point; it is important. Youre afraid to say
what you really want and feel because you think youll be
rejected, disapproved of, or disliked. The love might be withdrawn.
Saying what you want or feel might start a fight or hurt someones
Even though you have all these perfectly
good and valid reasons to refrain from speaking up, that doesnt
alter the fact that you still feel what you really feel
and want what you actually want.
And those wants and feelings will come
out, one way or another. Consciously or unconsciously, youll
try to manipulate the other person into doing what you want and
your feelings will be expressed, no matter how hard you try to
hide them. There are many ways. You can hint, tease, argue about
it indirectly, try to make the other person feel guilty for not
doing something, accidentally make mistakes, and
so on. Not to mention that your body language and the subtle
expressions on your face give you away. Your wants and feelings
come out, even against your will.
The problem with these indirect, nonverbal,
and often unconscious ways of communicating your feelings and
wants is that they are confusing. And the confusion causes
problems in close relationships.
It is difficult to be honest, and it can
sometimes cause an upset. But honesty is not confusing.
When you are saying what you really want and feel, problems can
be worked out and solved. You cant solve a problem when
you dont know what its about.
So thats the choice: Withhold the
truth or say it.
Of course, very few people are on either
extreme. Every one of us hides our intentions and feelings from
our loved-ones now and then, and at other times were pretty
frank. But any effort we make to move ourselves further toward
the honest end of the spectrum will improve the quality of our
close relationships over time.
If you want to be intimate,
say what you want and feel.